Titanium spine and 50 shades of pain

After the recent operation, I’ve become a Wolverine! Now I have titanium supports around my spinal column: feel yourself a superhero for a change 😉 But as in the movie no change comes for free, it comes with the huge package of pain…
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I almost do not remember the first day after the surgery, but neither do I remember a pain too. I was sleeping most of the time and I just assume that the sheer amount of the painkillers, epidural and the rest of the anesthesia was enough to spare me from all those suffering for at least a day.

The next night I woke up and even couldn’t tell where the pain was coming from. I felt like every cell in my body was screaming, the toes were curling by themselves, I couldn’t lie, I couldn’t sit up. I wanted to disappear, dissolve and cease to exist. It took me some time to realize that I can call for the nurse.

After some painkillers, pain didn’t go away as far as I’d imagine, it was traveling around, sometimes echoing to my legs, neck, stomach, and even my bladder.

Though with days passing, the pain’s becoming a little bit weaker, the struggle continued to be real. On the third day, the epidural was not working at all and I got disconnected from it, that kicked me back again.

Tablets couldn’t cover the most of the pain for the next few days. Intravenous was working, though the effect proved fast to disappear, but at least it provided some time for the pills to kick in and for me to fall asleep and forget about everything for a couple of hours. Yet sometimes waiting for the doctors’ approval of extra intravenous medicine was quite an ordeal, it was killing me with every minute. It’s a kind of the torture to watch the clock and to feel as with every minute the pain grows stronger.

Sad to say, that sometimes I had to wait crazy amount of time. I understand that this is a serious question with serious repercussions, but at that time I didn’t care at all. I even argued with a nurse and felt very guilty and sorry about my outburst later.

Most of the time I try to keep track of how I feel to catch the pain on its way early and stop it before it’s too much for me to bear, but the nights are the worst. You can not feel that it’s coming, you can not stop the pain in advance, because when you wake up in pain, it’s already too late. You already can’t move without the fireworks in your eyes even to call for the nurse…

Now, after about a week or so after the surgery, the hardest part of the day is morning. After the nights, when I subconsciously trying not to move around and not to cause more pain to myself my muscles are stiff plus the morning pills that are not kicked in yet – even trying to sit a liiiittle bit up in the bed is killing me.

The doctors encourage me to move more, and I’m really trying, but sometimes I can not take it, cause it hurts so much. Occasionally, when I have time with my physiatrist I have to take painkillers in advance so I can keep up with the exercises he gives me. It’s not some big training, imagine a stroll some fifty meters down the corridor and back, but it’s quite enough for the pain to take over if I didn’t prepare in advance.

I sincerely try to cut back, though everyone tells me that anyway I should not be in pain, it’s a very thin thread to follow.

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