Looking into the mirror

Since I’ve got the diagnosis and started the treatments my appearance has changed drastically… When I pass the mirror, I can not recognize myself, to tell you the truth, and when I finally do – I get upset. I do not look like any of my pictures, and I do not think that authorities will recognize me on the documents if needed.

psfix_20190412_2103225227825809639268872.jpegIn the very beginning, before my first visit to the doctor, (Oh, so long time ago!) I lost a kilo or a bit more and were very satisfied! I liked how I look. But then, with the treatments or something, my face started to look a little bit swollen. After a few months, swollenness became so ugly, that I looked like I was drinking badly for months and months, and you have just woken me up.

Did you get the picture?

Even when I got back to Hospital K after being at home for some time, some nurses asked me – “You didn’t look like this before, right, not that swollen??”

No, I did not.

A bit later, when, the liquids (I assume) redistributed themselves, my face started to look a little bit more normal, less sick swollen, and more just fat, I think. So now I’ve got two huge chicks, second chin and everything that supposed to come with this in between. While the forehead started to look small and lips are just almost non-existent.

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How it all started – Finale

My tough adventure continued.

After I finally came to the Hospital K (you can find in Part IV), and the nice nurse made it happened that I saw my husband that late at night, he brought me some stuff from home, even though I received everything possible from the hospital at the moment. We talked for some time, I brought him up to speed as much as I could, we separated till morning.


My state was still of absolute shock and lack of understanding of what was going on with me. I was in a hospital gown with lots of cords coming out of me, three of them at least connected to some bags, not in a way you’d think they would, they appeared to be to the cuts under the lungs and the heart sack for collecting the rest of the liquids, and some to this beeping machine, I saw in the movies before %). Meanwhile, nurses brought me some broth and tea, and a small sandwich and tried to persuade me to have at least some.

Later, when I ate some broth, seeing that I was still in the complete state of loss, nurses tenderly but firmly helped me to get to sleep, and repeated many and many times (and were right to do so) to call them. Call them if I need to stand up or to go to the toilet or if I’m thirsty, or need anything at all. Because it worked and even in my groggy painful state during my sleep that night, I remembered asking them for help.

In the morning I had a chance to finally look around and see, where I was. The room was quite spacious with my medical bed and a type of “medical” table beside it. There was a nice area with the light azure armchair with footrest and an extra chair. And there was some cabinet, which appeared to be the extra bed later. The windows were huge, almost wall-size, and the ceiling was quite high too. There was a door, which I knew was a bathroom after the last night. Everything looked perfect and clean and shiny.

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How it all started – IV

So, we are coming to the point little by little. I was holed up in the StG Hospital for hours now, with nobody knowing what’s going on with me, and keeping me under quarantine, just in case. How my journey started and how I get here you can read in previous parts 123.

psfix_20190310_1948191240344933405517803.jpegLate in the evening, a nurse came in and said that finally X-Ray department has found a drop-in time to do a CT, – that’s what we’d been waiting for, I realized! And arriving there in my cot, I saw the previous patient being driven out. So obviously, the schedule was tight.

It was the first time, I have ever had a CT scan, and I saw the equipment! For me, it was not scary, more like very interesting! They gave me an intravenous contrast, which felt really hot in some places, hmm, fun! And I do not remember now how much of the scan they did, but it was head and thorax and may be abdominal area too.

After the CT, I got back to my really comfortable quarantine. To wait some more. Finally, a couple of doctors came and took ECG, and it seemed that they didn’t like it much. Because they came back with an ultrasound machine and did the ultrasound on my heart and I remember the main doctor saying “Here, the dancing heart”. I didn’t quite understand what it meant, but after that, the world around me changed from slow-mo and waiting all the time to rushing forward on high speed.  Continue reading

How I got kicked out of the hospital

Oh, finally getting home after the hideous, almost two months long, overstay on a hospital bed, after some time, my brain started to work a little, and I realized that I totally forgot to tell the story, how about two weeks ago (already three, while I was finishing this post!) I was kicked out of the hospital I was in, and placed in another one till the end of my “sentence”! It was a shocking precedent for me, really! Why do they do it?


At that time my Doctor at the “Hospital K” and I were discussing my possibilities of going home as comfortable as possible. Still, I was in much pain and it didn’t look like it’ll be safe for me at the moment, but we were getting there step by step. I knew they wanted to send me home as fast as possible… And I even applied for the Home Care services so there will be some help for me at home, at least at the beginning, if I were not completely able to take care of myself. And yet!

It was an exceptionally ill-suited moment, Continue reading

Feeling yourself at home

This weekend I’m officially the first time at home! I can’t believe it! It’s been more than ONE AND A HALF month in a hospital – it’s my personal record at the moment. Not that I would like to continue, though >:)

1106ff0d-e2b2-48da-af93-9445cf6fba2d4787757011484126795.jpgIt’s a trial run to see if we can manage without the whole team of nurses around, potent intravenous painkillers and to see if my cat still loves… or at least recognize me! =^^=

It was going perfect, I was finally able to cuddle with the cat, and I and my husband performed a hilarious but very productive session of skype grocery shopping. (I stayed at home and he showed me around so I could choose what would I like). And then we had an amazing dinner cooked by him, totally without my interference! – seared fillet of cod with bacon and sundried tomatoes with green beans on the side – YUMMY! And, of course, movie, and it was such a “hygge” moment, I was really cozy, happy and at home.

BUT somehow I felt a little bit as a guest. Not totally and fully home. I was dumbstruck. I didn’t want to feel this way. I told my husband about me feeling like a visitor and he got upset. But it wasn’t something he did, it was a perfect welcome home evening! And it wasn’t that I became unaccustomed to the place itself, I still felt and remembered every nook and cranny of the place. And still felt like a GUEST!

Well, it’s true that I haven’t been there for a while, and I also suspect, that since I can not do a lot of stuff around the house now and for that reason I do sound like a guest in some ways “May I have a cup of tea, please?”, “Can we/I go there?”, “Is it possible for me to have this?”, “Could you please pass me that?”

Does it make any sense? Anyway, I did feel better after I slept over in my own bed 🙂 And then a little bit more next day on the couch =^^=

Finally, it kind of makes you think of what creates a home?

How It All Started – III

It was quite difficult to be “me” recently, but I’m trying to continue writing in the moments I feel able to express myself better.

Anyway, I need to continue and finish as soon and possible this story of my diagnosis, and here you can find previous Parts 1 and 2.

So, there was I in the StG hospital in the center of Stockholm. To tell the truth, I had never seen such a big medical institution before (Little did I know at that time about the new hospital which had just been built in Stockholm!). It took some time before my husband and I found the registration, even with all the helpful infographics. There I gave a letter from my doctor from Vardcentral and I was allowed into the waiting area. As appeared, despite me having an appointment from the other doctor, I had to wait in an emergency area for a couple of hours. My husband had to go at this point. By that time, I already had troubles breathing again, and what’s worse! – my mobile was running out of battery! )))))

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How it all started – II

So, after the long and unsuccessful fighting with “a cough”, and even more unsuccessful visit to the doctor, which I told about in Part 1, I finally went to see the doctor for the second time.

To my surprise, it went much better and my illness was taken seriously this time. Maybe because the wheezing sounds in my chest became unmistakably audible, or the fact that I finally get a fever once, but the doctor saw that I have problems breathing, and checked the volume of my lungs by making me exhale as strongly as I can in a special tube, which even with all my force appeared to be too small for the grown women, though the saturation of oxygen in my body was quite well. As a next step, he sent me to some inhalation procedure, that helped to open the bronchi and ease the breathing. The inhalation actually made it much easier for me to breathe, but the lung volume didn’t increase too much afterward. So I got some prescriptions for respiratory anti-inflammatory medicine, or something like that and went back.

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