To give me my tablets, to control that everything is in time, to check on availability of medications at home, injections, solutions, drops, somehow became my husband’s duties by default. And he zealously takes care of these Pill Duties and me.
When we first time came from the hospital with the new diagnosis and basically the new life ahead of us, we created a small daily routine with blood pressure and temperature tests and pills that he was giving me according to the list. And this routine continued for quite a bit.
Much later, with two more hospital visits, where the nurses do this, and we got all good blood pressure results we stopped taking measurements at home on a regular basis, but the Pill Duty stayed on my husband, even though with the number of pills increased enormously and different timings became crazy. Continue reading
So, I received my diagnosis, it’s hard to process emotions like this.
For some time, I think I felt nothing. I was just talking, functioning and not feeling anything. I was like frozen. Because I was afraid, that if I let go, the feelings would be too much, what if the urge to cry will be too strong. I didn’t want to freak out. But I think that having a plan helped, the thing is that I immediately got a promising treatment – gave me hope, strength and ability to rationalize what was happening and the diagnosis I got. I did process my fear too in the end step by step. And I cried too. But much later.
As people who surround me know, I do, or at least try to, stay positive!
I do not google (more on that later) not to see bad stuff, but I do hope, make plans and do stuff on the days when I can, or not 😜😜😜 I move from the day to a day trying not to focus on the depressing stuff. Of course, there are moments when I cannot stop thinking about it and I feel scared or sad for a moment here and there. At times like this, I try to get these feelings out. Get it out, do not keep them and then fill the mind with the positive things again. E.g. do “think of three positive things” exercise, which I wrote about earlier.
I do think that it is really important. Do not allow all these hard feelings to go over you. Because, if you just sit down, give in and let them – they will consume you, overpower you and devour your will to go on.
It is also really important for the people around you – your beloved ones, relatives, friends, and people who care. Recently I called my grandmother and when she worryingly/cautiously asked me, how am I, I said good, and she repeated in disbelief – good? But yes, I was good, I felt well this morning, and it was enough for me. We laughed! And laugh makes us live longer 😃
So, we are coming to the point little by little. I was holed up in the StG Hospital for hours now, with nobody knowing what’s going on with me, and keeping me under quarantine, just in case. How my journey started and how I get here you can read in previous parts 1, 2, 3.
Late in the evening, a nurse came in and said that finally X-Ray department has found a drop-in time to do a CT, – that’s what we’d been waiting for, I realized! And arriving there in my cot, I saw the previous patient being driven out. So obviously, the schedule was tight.
It was the first time, I have ever had a CT scan, and I saw the equipment! For me, it was not scary, more like very interesting! They gave me an intravenous contrast, which felt really hot in some places, hmm, fun! And I do not remember now how much of the scan they did, but it was head and thorax and may be abdominal area too.
After the CT, I got back to my really comfortable quarantine. To wait some more. Finally, a couple of doctors came and took ECG, and it seemed that they didn’t like it much. Because they came back with an ultrasound machine and did the ultrasound on my heart and I remember the main doctor saying “Here, the dancing heart”. I didn’t quite understand what it meant, but after that, the world around me changed from slow-mo and waiting all the time to rushing forward on high speed. Continue reading
Another day, that’s good, right? This one was expected to be more medically charged.
Saturday I was going to the radiotherapy in the morning. I find it strange that such procedures are scheduled on weekends, but who am I to judge. It was also pretty early in the morning and probably after the active day before (and, I swear, quite an early bedtime) I had an incredibly hard time to wake up. It’s good that thanks to my man, the only things I had to do were to eat my porridge and get dressed. I found myself awake in the car only. No wonder, since every get-away from home for me now is like a school trip for a kid 😂😂😂
This would be the second radiation treatment for me. I hope to tell you about the first one in the “remembrance” part of my blog. But I could tell you now, that it didn’t go well and made the pain so much worse, that I ended up in bed for weeks. So, this time everyone, myself included, was really worried about how my body would react.
A nurse met us and explained again that it could be worse after the treatment, for a few weeks, but it would be better in the end. The procedure went uneventful, and so, the first test of my well-being would be whether I could sit and stand up from the bench of the apparatus itself. The test, which I happily passed! We got home without any troubles too, except that I felt dizzy and threw up a bit, but again, it seemed to be a normal reaction for me. It was a good start though, but just the same I was waiting for something to happen for the rest of the day and moved around like I was made of glass… Continue reading
Last Friday I woke up quite late, I’d taken my morning medicine being half-awake and went back to sleep, and what’s more, I wasn’t woken up neither by fever nor pain (Hurray!).
Afterward, my dear husband made me a breakfast of omelet with bacon and spinach and cherry tomatoes.
One of the exciting things for today was that our friend was coming to visit us today all the way from Germany. It’ll be a short visit, but a rare opportunity! So, while my husband was meeting him at the airport, I gathered all my strength together and went for the shower! If you have been lying on the hospital bed for the two months with very limited capacity to move, you’d know what I mean. I literally gathered all my strength and went for the shower. I even washed my hair. But I tried to be very quick to get out.
What a feeling of accomplishment! And a smell of my favorite shampoo! 😁
I was ready right in time, and we had a great one-and-a-half-hour coffee! Continue reading
Some time ago, somewhere in October or November last year, already taken by the storm of my disease, I saw a post in Instagram @Allthingsgreen by Maria Bååth that when you have times when you feel sad and unhappy and life just passing by. You need to stop, take a deep breath and think of three positive things. Just three! It was soooo hard for me, you can’t imagine!
Just three things, that make me feel better, happy, no matter how sad and lost I felt because of the things not happening to me at that moment. I couldn’t do it with the first try, but I tried again the next day and the day after. Who would have thought, that it could be such a difficult task? Or was it just for me?
Now it’s much easier to see these positive things and it became much easier to seize small moments of happiness every day, no matter how hard it could have been.
[A small moment of happiness from the time I was in the hospital]
I’d love to tell. I felt happy. Just purely simply happy at that moment. Even though I lie in a hospital bed, have just taken a handful of pills… But we were lying beside each other and were sharing small fun things from the Internet, which we were finding at the moment, like cute cats and pictures. And it’s so stupid and normal at the same time, and so amazing!
These are my small specs of gold, of my everyday happiness.