Feeling yourself at home

This weekend I’m officially the first time at home! I can’t believe it! It’s been more than ONE AND A HALF month in a hospital – it’s my personal record at the moment. Not that I would like to continue, though >:)

1106ff0d-e2b2-48da-af93-9445cf6fba2d4787757011484126795.jpgIt’s a trial run to see if we can manage without the whole team of nurses around, potent intravenous painkillers and to see if my cat still loves… or at least recognize me! =^^=

It was going perfect, I was finally able to cuddle with the cat, and I and my husband performed a hilarious but very productive session of skype grocery shopping. (I stayed at home and he showed me around so I could choose what would I like). And then we had an amazing dinner cooked by him, totally without my interference! – seared fillet of cod with bacon and sundried tomatoes with green beans on the side – YUMMY! And, of course, movie, and it was such a “hygge” moment, I was really cozy, happy and at home.

BUT somehow I felt a little bit as a guest. Not totally and fully home. I was dumbstruck. I didn’t want to feel this way. I told my husband about me feeling like a visitor and he got upset. But it wasn’t something he did, it was a perfect welcome home evening! And it wasn’t that I became unaccustomed to the place itself, I still felt and remembered every nook and cranny of the place. And still felt like a GUEST!

Well, it’s true that I haven’t been there for a while, and I also suspect, that since I can not do a lot of stuff around the house now and for that reason I do sound like a guest in some ways “May I have a cup of tea, please?”, “Can we/I go there?”, “Is it possible for me to have this?”, “Could you please pass me that?”

Does it make any sense? Anyway, I did feel better after I slept over in my own bed 🙂 And then a little bit more next day on the couch =^^=

Finally, it kind of makes you think of what creates a home?

Unfulfilled…

It was past November 2018, the 9th. I felt completely shuttered and sad over the Food and Wine Conference, which were held again here in Stockholm. First of all, I wanted to go. The second, I wanted to go as a Food photographer, and it also would mean to give out cards, show my beautiful works and talk about my studio, and I would have been professional and confident, and land some new clients there.

All of these I had been planning previously a year before (2017). I had been planning that on the same Conference when I had just started the process to register myself as an entrepreneur and came just to check it out, being too shy to present myself to anybody at all %) Even though, I believe, I already had had quite nice examples of work 😉

And at that time, I didn’t even have any strength to go, and I hadn’t had enough power to pick up the camera for months and months at that point… 

And just now I see, at least, I was at home, though already sick, but yet not in the hospital bed, lacking a couple of scars, that I acquired after. And who knows, maybe it all came to be as it supposed to be.

But One November, anyway, I’ll do it. I’ll come to the conference as a Food photographer. And I will be even better in what I do and how I feel and present myself to my future customers!

Days

In life, days started to break down into good days and bad days…

Good ones are those when I feel almost like a normal human being, in spite of everything (e.g. that I haven’t been outside for more than a month). It’s hard to explain, probably, but I feel like I can function, and be myself.

Bad ones are when there is “Friends” (which I saw like 1 million times) chatting on the background to keep me company, and I can’t think straight most of the time and I struggle to find somewhere deep inside me the reason for the good mood, positivity, and of course for me and my life.